Death is something I am quite acquainted with, and I believe I probably view it a little differently than most people. I’ll save those thoughts for another time.
When our daughter died just short of her 9th birthday, it was an end to her suffering, but for my wife and four living children, life would never be the same. I made so many mistakes with the other kids during that time. I allowed myself to be influenced by the masculine concept of being “strong for my family.” So, I did not allow them to see their sister’s body. I would not have them remember her lifeless form wrapped in plastic and string. I had to “protect” them.
I did far more damage than protecting in those actions. I have no idea what I thought I was keeping them safe from? Instead, I blocked their ability to process what had happened.
They suffered a loss too, and that experience was denied them by their father.
We would pay the price for that later. The eventual loss family pets (Guinea pigs) would be catastrophic. The grief and anguish went on for months upon months over a rodent when not even a tear had been shed for their sister. So severe was the trauma I had created that my special needs child (now an adult) only stopped crying for their pets fairly recently.
This grief came out the way it did because I had denied my children the closure and ability to process their loss. They didn't understand the permanence. Allow children to experience all of life… especially death. It’s the one thing we all have to face sooner or later, and while no one is ever “ready,” they can be “prepared.” Don’t think that you are doing a child any favors by delaying that experience.
Lol. I’m not much of a hugger, but I’m working on it. Just hope someone can learn from that experience. I held onto that for a long time before I was able to let it go. Sometimes in life there are no Mulligans.
You did what you believed was the right thing. Only out of love. Arms around you. We can only do what we believe is best when these traumas find us. Forgive yourself.
I lost 5 of my friends in the early 1990s--suicides, all in a relatively short time frame. The rest of us walked over to the giant military recruiting center not far from the city's main hub.
Death is something I am quite acquainted with, and I believe I probably view it a little differently than most people. I’ll save those thoughts for another time.
When our daughter died just short of her 9th birthday, it was an end to her suffering, but for my wife and four living children, life would never be the same. I made so many mistakes with the other kids during that time. I allowed myself to be influenced by the masculine concept of being “strong for my family.” So, I did not allow them to see their sister’s body. I would not have them remember her lifeless form wrapped in plastic and string. I had to “protect” them.
I did far more damage than protecting in those actions. I have no idea what I thought I was keeping them safe from? Instead, I blocked their ability to process what had happened.
They suffered a loss too, and that experience was denied them by their father.
We would pay the price for that later. The eventual loss family pets (Guinea pigs) would be catastrophic. The grief and anguish went on for months upon months over a rodent when not even a tear had been shed for their sister. So severe was the trauma I had created that my special needs child (now an adult) only stopped crying for their pets fairly recently.
This grief came out the way it did because I had denied my children the closure and ability to process their loss. They didn't understand the permanence. Allow children to experience all of life… especially death. It’s the one thing we all have to face sooner or later, and while no one is ever “ready,” they can be “prepared.” Don’t think that you are doing a child any favors by delaying that experience.
We're always learning, Craig. Sending you a big hug.
Oki, Dan.
Lol. I’m not much of a hugger, but I’m working on it. Just hope someone can learn from that experience. I held onto that for a long time before I was able to let it go. Sometimes in life there are no Mulligans.
You did what you believed was the right thing. Only out of love. Arms around you. We can only do what we believe is best when these traumas find us. Forgive yourself.
Even though absolutely everything you say is 100% true, it is so much easier said than done. It's more of a "learn to live with it" kind of thing.
Those are words and facts everyone of us learn. Peace.
Thanks for sharing this Dan. And for the Pearl Jam ♥️
I lost 5 of my friends in the early 1990s--suicides, all in a relatively short time frame. The rest of us walked over to the giant military recruiting center not far from the city's main hub.